INTROSPECTION

I always make it a joke how love is never going to happen for me or that I don’t have and might never have a special someone. But in reality, I am a hopeless romantic.

Romcoms are my favorite. I get overly emotional whenever I watch them: kilig at sappy moments, sad at breakups, joy when the two leads get back together.

I don’t know when the one will come. I always tell people how I feel like I don’t deserve any form of love from a significant other because I’m just too much for anybody. But deep down in my heart, I want it. And even if he’s not here yet, it’s fine. Kaya ko pa naman eh.

I wrote the one below in so many different and varying occasions; but always during times I was wishful.

I like this boy. And for once in my life, it’s fine that he doesn’t like me back. I think.

I’m fine with all the sweet nothings I interpret as kilig. I’m fine with the mere thought that I was wearing a black top and black shoes one day and he was wearing my white counterpart. “Yin yang,” a friend said. I’m fine with having the same sneakers as him; mine is in neon pink, his is in blue.

I’m fine sitting in the couch and then him suddenly entering the door. He was wearing almost the same exact outfit as I was: white top, blue jeans, white shoes, and green jacket. Or that one time I was wearing a white top, blue denim jacket, black pants and he was in a blue shirt and a pair of black pants.

I’m fine with the small talks; him asking me why I’m early at work or what time I’ll be out. Or when he teased me if I was going to sleep in the office because I came back just to hang with some friends. This boy can pass as the most quiet guy at work, may I just add.

I’m fine with all the 😊 and the hehe he sends along with his few text messages. I’m fine if he doesn’t reply back or not text at all.

I’m fine seeing him stand up from his seat to walk around because he’s either sleepy or just getting a drink from the pantry. Sometimes I see him smiling, most times not at me, but at least he was.

I’m fine with him deciding to sit beside me despite having four other vacant seats. He was facing me the whole dinner, even during those times he was eating. I was just too shy and guarded to look at him again and again. That was my chance, ‘no?

I’m fine that other girls get overly kilig around his presence and I just look from afar because I don’t have the courage to go up to him to ask for a picture like them. I don’t like being upfront with my emotions. (This is such a Cancer thing to say.) Also, I don’t get the need for a photo op. It’s not as if he’s a celebrity.

I’m fine when he’s sitting near me or beside me. Or that one time when we were the only ones in the elevator and we were standing beside each other, both leaning back on the elevator. The elevator was too big for the both of us but he was standing right beside me, I thought to myself.

Sometimes I initiate small talks but I can never ask him about his life. I try. But I get even more tongue tied when I do.

You see, I can never flirt. I don’t know how. Or that maybe I know how when I’m aware that somebody likes me back. Also, I don’t want to initiate because I’m just too afraid of getting rejected.

But isn’t that fine?

For now though, I’m fine having a happy crush. Just a happy crush. 😉

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What I Truly Feel

For a few days now, I’ve been itching to create something.

Content.

I want to create content.

But I have also been feeling a little iffy about my work/s.

There’s always that fear that I might not deliver, that I did not deliver; or that it might not be given attention. This is hard because I (used to) think that I don’t need an audience. But I do. I really do.

I was going through the pictures I shot when we went to Rainbow Dreams Café and the Under The Sea Café last week. And although the colors were nice because of the restaurants’ aesthetics, I still feel like I underperformed. Like I could have taken better photos but I was too preoccupied with meeting this set of blogger friends for the first time. Or I hate that my videos were all too freaking shaky and lack substance so I can’t even create a no-speaking vlog. (How do you even call those vlogs?)

I always, always feel this way.

How do I even keep up?

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Sunday Currently: Grateful

I’ve been wanting to post a Sunday Currently and here I am! Hahaha!

READING

13 Reasons Why. I already watched the series but I just want to read the book. This is so not me because I prefer reading before watching. The show just have such an impact on me, I need to read it too.

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24 on 27: Of Endings, Beginnings

Yesterday, I kept thinking about tweeting, “this is the first time in years that I’m excited about my upcoming birthday and not wallowing in misery like in the past.” It kept popping up in my head all throughout the day but I never really got the chance to post anything. It was also partly because I didn’t want to be happy and joyful while people on the internet are all sad about the chaotic issues that have been happening.

Just now, I was reading Richel’s Rambles About a TV Series: Thirteen Reasons Why and I suddenly got sad. It is the same sadness I felt when I was watching the Netflix adaptation of Jay Asher’s book. I think I was triggered because most of what she said is the exact same way I feel towards the show.

I scrolled down and saw Bae’s comment about Alex fixing his stuff, just like what Hannah did, before he supposedly committed suicide. People are pointing out that Alex indeed tried ending his life because that act was a sign. (We’ll have to wait for season two to find out.) If you watched the documentary 13 Reasons Why: Beyond the Reasons, there was one instance where they explained that it is a manifestation of suicidal thoughts, that people who commit suicide often clean up their things, arrange what needs to be arranged, before their self destruction.

I never recalled experiencing this while watching but it hit me while going through the comments. It flashed back just like in movies.

I almost committed suicide.

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June 2017 Faves

I can’t keep up with this Monthly Faves, I’m sorry!

But I’m making bawi by posting this month’s and plotting different blog posts that I’m almost done writing on my June calendar. Lol who am I kidding? I have so may unfinished drafts waiting to be published. (Oh God, typical me, trying to climb up and then pulling my own weight down. LABO.)

But really, I will because it is my birthday month!! Hurrahh!!

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