For a few days now, I’ve been itching to create something.
I want to create content.
But I have also been feeling a little iffy about my work/s.
There’s always that fear that I might not deliver, that I did not deliver; or that it might not be given attention. This is hard because I (used to) think that I don’t need an audience. But I do. I really do.
I was going through the pictures I shot when we went to Rainbow Dreams Café and the Under The Sea Café last week. And although the colors were nice because of the restaurants’ aesthetics, I still feel like I underperformed. Like I could have taken better photos but I was too preoccupied with meeting this set of blogger friends for the first time. Or I hate that my videos were all too freaking shaky and lack substance so I can’t even create a no-speaking vlog. (How do you even call those vlogs?)
I always, always feel this way.
How do I even keep up?
Pausing for a while, away from the volume of the audio and the fast transitions of stills.
I have yet to decide on what plan to apply, how to arrange designs uniformly for a more pleasing aesthetic, and to come up with strategies to let my presence be heard (or for aptness, seen).
But life lately had been a blur. I am the worst whenever I am anxious. I am still trying to convince myself that maybe I was not depressed before, maybe it was an anxiety disorder. But in truth, I don’t think we will ever know.
I am alive! As inauthentic as that sounded, my blogging life is alive.
School had been such a bum because we were made to do so many things. So many things meaning thesis AND other major subjects. But I am so glad we’re done with it! Of course, except for a few revisions and submitting the final hardbound manuscript. Defense last week went nerve-wracking to chill pill. Ours were split into two because the other panelist was not available (hers was the calmest defense though, so it didn’t really matter). The first one, we were sautéd (ginisa, get it? Get it? No? Okay…) and were put in the hot seats. Boy, am I glad it is over!
Hello! It’s February and I don’t even know what happened that I kept forgetting to write. That is very ironic considering I already bought a domain for me to start typing more.
First of all, welcome to this new space.