In one of my entries for June, I decided to write about welcoming this birth month of mine.
But every time it is nearing, I get really sad.
I think this started when I didn’t get to celebrate my 18th.
After that, each and every birthday that passes, I expect people to give me something or surprise me with something. Because I’m always that one person who loves spoiling her friends, her family even with simple surprises on their birthdays.
It’s still a mystery to me too how every June, money is such a big problem. Or maybe not. I just hate imposing. I hate having to ask Mama or Ate if I can have this or have that because I only really ask when I need something so much. And then I think about how I don’t deserve a celebration or how I don’t deserve being given the go signal.
First because I should’ve graduated two years ago. I was supposed to graduate last May too but I still get stuck, I am still stuck.
And the the birthday blues stay until the end of the month. They keep me company.
Last year I told myself I will not expect. We didn’t celebrate. But it was still painful knowing that plans weren’t even thought of.
And then after writing a blog that has the same sentiments every damn year, I cry.
Maybe that’s why I’ve been up the last 35+ hours because I haven’t had that fresh new breath I’ve been meaning to have.
I don’t want to go back to that dark place again.