I just want to say how tired I am…

I just want to say how tired I am: emotionally, physically, mentally.

I’m tired of having to defend myself to people, and eventually defending myself to my own self. Because when people say something about you, despite being assured, you sometimes question yourself.

I’m tired of being fat; but I’m also tired of having to work out each day and wake up with a sore body, or arms, or legs. Why am I even fat? I don’t get it. None of my parents are fat. My mother gains weight when she’s back at home and not doing much physical activities but she instantly loses the pounds when she goes abroad. Father lost so much weight recently after a diabetes scare. He was advised to take a medicine that made him lose weight and he also controlled his food intake. He wasn’t even fat before this.

I’m so fucking tired of being big; of having to choose which jeepney to ride because one vacant seat doesn’t really give me the assurance that I can perfectly fit; of choosing to sit on the three-seater side of the bus (wishing the two ones who’ll sit with me aren’t as big) because I take more space when on the two-seater one; of seeing a certain type of clothing and hesitating to buy not because it’s expensive but because they don’t have my size. I’m tired of not getting to wear anything I can because it doesn’t suit my body type. I’m tired of looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if something (anything!!) has changed.

I’m tired of being looked at as that big girl who can’t do everything because of her weight issues.

But all I can do is sulk in the corner, let myself be tired and sad and unmotivated for once, but still get back up. Somehow, that silence forces me to work hard, harder, as weird as that logic is. That the only thing I can do right now is really get tired. Be tired.

I’m thinking this way now but I know this will have a positive result. It doesn’t matter how soon, as long as it happens.


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