INTROSPECTION

I always make it a joke how love is never going to happen for me or that I don’t have and might never have a special someone. But in reality, I am a hopeless romantic.

Romcoms are my favorite. I get overly emotional whenever I watch them: kilig at sappy moments, sad at breakups, joy when the two leads get back together.

I don’t know when the one will come. I always tell people how I feel like I don’t deserve any form of love from a significant other because I’m just too much for anybody. But deep down in my heart, I want it. And even if he’s not here yet, it’s fine. Kaya ko pa naman eh.

I wrote the one below in so many different and varying occasions; but always during times I was wishful.

I like this boy. And for once in my life, it’s fine that he doesn’t like me back. I think.

I’m fine with all the sweet nothings I interpret as kilig. I’m fine with the mere thought that I was wearing a black top and black shoes one day and he was wearing my white counterpart. “Yin yang,” a friend said. I’m fine with having the same sneakers as him; mine is in neon pink, his is in blue.

I’m fine sitting in the couch and then him suddenly entering the door. He was wearing almost the same exact outfit as I was: white top, blue jeans, white shoes, and green jacket. Or that one time I was wearing a white top, blue denim jacket, black pants and he was in a blue shirt and a pair of black pants.

I’m fine with the small talks; him asking me why I’m early at work or what time I’ll be out. Or when he teased me if I was going to sleep in the office because I came back just to hang with some friends. This boy can pass as the most quiet guy at work, may I just add.

I’m fine with all the 😊 and the hehe he sends along with his few text messages. I’m fine if he doesn’t reply back or not text at all.

I’m fine seeing him stand up from his seat to walk around because he’s either sleepy or just getting a drink from the pantry. Sometimes I see him smiling, most times not at me, but at least he was.

I’m fine with him deciding to sit beside me despite having four other vacant seats. He was facing me the whole dinner, even during those times he was eating. I was just too shy and guarded to look at him again and again. That was my chance, ‘no?

I’m fine that other girls get overly kilig around his presence and I just look from afar because I don’t have the courage to go up to him to ask for a picture like them. I don’t like being upfront with my emotions. (This is such a Cancer thing to say.) Also, I don’t get the need for a photo op. It’s not as if he’s a celebrity.

I’m fine when he’s sitting near me or beside me. Or that one time when we were the only ones in the elevator and we were standing beside each other, both leaning back on the elevator. The elevator was too big for the both of us but he was standing right beside me, I thought to myself.

Sometimes I initiate small talks but I can never ask him about his life. I try. But I get even more tongue tied when I do.

You see, I can never flirt. I don’t know how. Or that maybe I know how when I’m aware that somebody likes me back. Also, I don’t want to initiate because I’m just too afraid of getting rejected.

But isn’t that fine?

For now though, I’m fine having a happy crush. Just a happy crush. 😉

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1 Comment

  1. I can relate to this so much! When people ask me about my plans, I’ll say: “My own apartment with a dog.” Never with a significant other because I don’t 100% believe that I will have one. But I hope I will. The hopeless romantic in me /hopes/ for it. I do miss having a crush tho…

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